Writing can be a painful, lonely, and isolating process. Non-writers don’t fully understand what goes into it, like the late nights drafting or the anxiety about how to craft the perfect plot point or the ever-present Imposter Syndrome. Nor can they appreciate the enormous cognitive strain it puts on a person to create dozens of brand new mini-brains that float around in our own heads. Ouchie.

So, if you care about a writer, you will hopefully want to support them in this endeavor. Financially, perhaps? But mostly emotionally.

And this is more than welcome. However, you should keep these caveats in mind so that you can provide maximum benefit with minimal annoyance.

Do not offer unsolicited help.

Let me show you one of the most annoying emails I’ve ever gotten (with the username removed, of course).

Could this be one of the thousands of spam emails I get selling me stuff? Possibly. But the person also followed up with me multiple times in the same thread, which spammers don’t tend to do. I ended up blocking them.

Now, why is this so irritating despite being phrased so politely? Because unlike other potential spam emails, where the sender is offering me exposure, this person is offering to hijack my writing process and insert their own ideas.

I understand where the impulse comes from. You like someone’s work, and you like them as a person, and you want to be helpful. But this is not the kind of helpful that will actually help.

Listen to me. Your writer friends do not want or need your ideas. They likely have thousands of their own that they haven’t gotten to.

They do not want your writing help. They certainly don’t want you ghostwriting parts of their books for them. Because we all know how that ends – exactly as I discussed in my etiquette tips for non-writers. The one who contributes the least wants the greatest share of fame.

Trust that your writing companion is an adult and that they will ask for help if they need it. Otherwise, do not offer, especially if you are not an experienced writer yourself.

Similarly, don’t offer unsolicited critique.

For some people, nitpicking is their love language. They are “fix-it” kind of people who always want to help those around them be their best selves. This can be welcome in many contexts, but it’s not so welcome in writing.

The joy of writing is that we do it ourselves; this is crafted from our minds and life story. Writing is also often tied up in ego, so unsolicited critique doesn’t land as helpful – it seems like an attack on us as people. Not necessarily the healthiest way to approach to writing, but a common one.

Also, not every writer wants to take their writing to a professional level. For these hobby writers, your critique is like someone analyzing a homemade cake like they’re trying to start a bakery. It’s just for fun. Enjoyment is the whole point.

If someone wants critique, they will ask for it, or they will seek it out from a professional. I only rely on professional beta readers who can answer very specific questions for me that a casual reader probably didn’t even notice as an issue.

Talk to them about non-writing stuff.

You know how new mothers often complain that no one wants to talk about them about anything but the baby, like they’ve stopped existing as a whole human being? Writers get the same fatigue when every single conversation starts with, “How is your book going?” or “What are you working on now?” or “When are you going to publish?”

Yes, of course we love our work, just like a new mom loves her baby. We do enjoy talking about it from time to time, and you are encouraged to mention it and show your interest. But over time, the constant prodding starts to feel like pressure, and it strips the joy out of discussing our work. I’ve seen some people say they wish no one knew they wrote because it’s all anyone wants to discuss with them.

To some, constant questions about their books might seem like a dream because no one seems very interested in their work. But careful what you wish for. Too much of a good thing isn’t wonderful.

I intentionally surround myself with people who do not give a shit about writing. In fact, I stay away from writing forums for the most part. Not only does this keep me from talking too much about my work during the writing process, which can drain motivation, but it also ensures I am getting a healthy balance of non-writing perspective and conversation.

Paradoxically enough, talking about things other than writing can improve your writing, because you’re getting novel inputs and harvesting ideas. Only discussing the same subject starts to develop a type of literary inbreeding where you’re circling the same subjects with nothing new.

So, if you have a writer in your life, make sure you don’t start every conversation with “How is the writing going?” Let them bring it up themselves if they want. Not every writer enjoys talking about their process all the time.

Ask thoughtful questions.

If your writer friend does want to talk about their writing, you will get much further (and make them much happier) if you go beyond the standard “What are you writing?”

Not only is this question basic, it is surprisingly hard to answer. I tend to bluescreen when someone asks me this because I don’t know how to cram the entirety of my current plot into like five seconds without making it sound stupid or boring.

For example, I’m working on Book 7, Shadow and Sword (coming June 23, 2027), right now. The basic premise is that our beloved Cerie Korviridi is dodging assassination attempts during a conclave to decide whether she is the sixth Bremish Saint, and our beloved Mordrek Willets is off on a buddy-cop journey with Uileac Korviridi (Cerie’s older brother) to investigate where the hell these assassins are coming from.

But none of that makes any sense if someone isn’t familiar with my books. Total gibberish. So to answer the question, I’d have to go all the way back and explain the characters and so on, or I’d have to go with the standard, “It’s a gay fantasy novel” which doesn’t really answer anything. Then both of us are frustrated and the conversation peters out.

You can get around this – and improve your Friendship Level with said person – by asking questions about craft and process instead. Some good questions to start with include:

• What are you most excited about in this project?
• What inspired the story?
• Which is your favorite character and why?
• What’s your process like?
• What’s your favorite part of writing?
• How do you deal with writer’s block? (You’d be surprised at the little tricks we use!)
• What got you started with writing in the first place?
• What do you do to get inspired?

And there are tons of others, but the primary thing is that asking about the writer’s process instead of the plot is probably going to provide much richer conversation fodder. You might also find things you can relate to in their discussion.

Understand that writing ebbs and flows.

One problem with the constant “What are you writing now?” questions is that unlike many other professions and hobbies, most writers are not constantly writing. It’s not feasible to be a 24/7 writing machine because that way lies madness (and burnout).

In fact, a streamlined writing process has still time built into the structure. That’s called percolation, where we let things rest so that we can come back to it with fresh eyes and new inspiration. Meanwhile, we might take a break in between projects so that we can recharge, read some good books, and muse about our next piece.

This leads to uncomfortable misunderstandings between writers and non-writers. If a writer is honest about not working at the moment, non-writers assume that they lost the spark, or gave up on their project, or aren’t really that committed to their work. And the writer might also feel guilty about being asked if they’re doing any interesting writing; they may feel pressured to get back to work before they’re ready.

So expect that a writer might tell you “Oh, I’m in between projects right now” or “I’m letting my project rest” from time to time.

Do not insert a, “Wow, must be nice to not work for a while.” Now you sound like a jealous jerk, much like non-teachers razz teachers for summer break.

Something like, “I bet you’re happy to be away from the keyboard” is a little better, but to be honest, a lot of writers get antsy when they don’t have a project to work on, and it still feels a bit condescending.

Instead, you might ask them if there’s anything else they want to catch up on during this time, which naturally leads to some conversational fodder.

Protect your own peace and maintain boundaries.

While some writers are shy and retiring wallflowers about their books, others are a constant firehose of explanations who overtake every single conversation to talk about what they want to talk about.

Don’t worry – I already yelled at them in my post about etiquette for writers. I’ve got your back.

Anyway, you do not have to tolerate these kinds of people. You have an interesting and full life all on your own, and you deserve some attention too.

There are different things you can say about this depending on the level of annoyance and your comfort with the person. But, I will say that you are going to get the best results if you have this conversation over text, not in person. Writers generally process written language better than verbal communication. It’s kind of our whole deal.

So when you have a quiet moment, you can say something like:

I love hearing about your work. Sometimes it starts to overwhelm the conversation and I feel like I’m not being heard. I’m hoping we can find topics both of us can contribute to.

A good friend will be understanding and self-reflect on whether they are being a conversational narcissist, while a bad friend will complain about you pointing this out and make you the bad guy. Now you’re learned something about your friend and can act accordingly.

In my post about making peace with mediocrity, I lamented the fact that while writing a book is genuinely a rare and exciting achievement, it gets almost no kudos from the world at large. Whether this is because people are jealous of the sustained creativity and drive it takes to produce a book (very possible) or they simply don’t have an understanding of the enormity, it does sting.

Standard life milestones, like getting married or having a baby, have a built-in cultural narrative. We all know, or at least have an idea, of the sacrifices and work that goes into these things. Many people have achieved them and can relate. There are familiar cultural expectations of how to celebrate.

Writing a book doesn’t really have any of that, despite millions of books being released a year. (We will ignore the no-effort bookslop, as it deserves no praise or attention.)

Personally, I celebrate the end of every first draft with a cake and a nice meal for myself, because that is the milestone I am always proudest of in the writing process. The rest of it is coasting downhill and doesn’t excite me much. And I do this myself because, well, I don’t trust anyone else to remember or care.

But if you have a darling writer in your life, ask them what their favorite and most loved step in the process is. Maybe it’s the first draft, maybe it’s final edits, maybe it’s release day. Ask them to let you know when that day comes or give you a head’s up when it’s impending.

Then offer them something they like. It could be a cake, or a spa day, or a nice meal out at a restaurant. It could be a bouquet of flowers, a card, a small gift.

The monetary amount doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you are rewriting the cultural narrative that only certain milestones deserve attention, and you are showing your writer friend that their efforts matter.

They, like me, may never seek out the socially acceptable milestones of marriage, family, and baby. Maybe writing is their marriage, family, and baby. They deserve to feel special sometimes too, even if they haven’t pursued the same life path as everyone else.

Do a Live Readthrough.

If you want to show the ultimate, god-tier form of love to a writer, then you can consider doing a live readthrough.

Now, “live readthrough” is a bit of a misnomer. I am not suggesting you read it aloud or that you sit there and comment out loud while the person is sitting there.

What this actually means is that you sit down with the text and annotate it, then send it back to the author. It works best with a Word or Google Doc, but you could do it with a PDF or EPUB file as well.

Here, you’re giving your honest reactions without suggesting any changes. Your role here is not as a beta reader or an editor (see the above points) but just … a reader. Someone who is fully engaging with the text and thinking about it with the seriousness that it deserves.

Note what you found interesting. Laugh at a good turn of phrase. Rant about how much you hate the villain. Tell the writer what a certain point made you think of or how it reminds you of another book you read. Ask questions.

Writers are often starved of this granular attention. My beta reader does not go point by point through my document and tell me precisely what she thought of different sections; she provides me a summary of things she thinks could be improved. Some beta readers, like those on r/betareaders, provide this service, but the quality over there is hit-or-miss. Similarly, reviewers give their general impressions and usually only leave a few lines for the whole book.

And no, you do not need to be glowing or fully worshipful. You can say you didn’t understand something, or that you were upset by a plot point. Just make sure that you’re not offering fixes, only providing your perspective. Again, your goal is not to serve as a beta reader. You’re a reader who is reacting throughout, not just at the end.

Be warned that your author friend might get addicted to this type of attention and beg you to read everything they write. Only offer this if you genuinely enjoy their work, not out of obligation. Otherwise you’ll be stuck turning down dozens of readthrough requests.

Writers are, for some reason, people like everyone else. Good days, bad days, desire to talk about what we care about, longing for community and recognition. Our interests and paths may be slightly different from the norm, or they may be a little addendum to the norm, and that deserves support.

And who knows? If you sweet talk your writer buddy enough, you might be immortalized as a protagonist. Make sure they mention how hot and cool you are as much as possible.